Lies From Within

Published on 12 May 2023 at 16:47

I realized recently there is huge difference between distrusting others and distrusting yourself. It throws you completely off balance when the words in your own mind that you should know as truth, sound like chaos and confusion. Nothing seems real, truth is lost. In this state, spirals happen FAST. Sounds fun right?

I was talking with my counselor recently about some seemingly innocent events in my life where I felt unwanted by some people fairly close to me. Not uncommon for me, happens all the time with my history. But I was telling her how I could tell myself all the facts outright about how perhaps maybe one person wasn't fond of me, but that didn't add up to the entire group not wanting me around. There was evidence and clear reasons this thought process wasn't right, BUT even though I KNEW these things, the truth I knew, just didn't FEEL like a truth and therefore the negative thoughts won out and I spiraled into everyone hated me, why did I come, I suck, so on and so forth. It was not until someone I loved and trusted also told me all the exact same facts that I FELT those things could be the truth. 


Funny how the traumatized brain works huh?  Remember those core memories of being taught that when I told the truth, I was told I was lying and then punished severely? I would then go on to trust a friend who sexually assaulted me in high school. I would be told it was my fault. In college, I would get drugged and raped, then told I wanted it all or I remembered it wrong. I would end up marrying a man that spends over a decade conditioning me to believe that nothing I think is true, his abuse was love, the bad things I remember couldn't be right. See the pattern? The ripple effect of trauma is real and the waves are strong. 


What I thought was just simple confusion in my thinking is so deeply engrained at this point. I sat there talking with my counselor digging into this to see how much of my life I do this with. Did I lock the door? Yes I did, I remember locking it. I need to go check again. (Unless someone else was there and can tell me they watched me do it) Did I tell that person what time to be there? I did, because I also told them when the doors open. I probably just thought I told them, I better go check all my messages and then call and ask them. I know the answer to that question they just asked, I should tell them. I'm actually probably wrong, just be quiet. Small things right? Everyone does this right? These continue and escalate all the way into trauma events. I can vividly remember all the times I was hit, I was raped, I was screamed at in my face, backed against the wall, doors broken down, bank accounts cut off for not calling back fast enough. It replays in my mind like a bad movie. Yet still, like a mean trick my mind laughs at me and asks, did it really happen? Are you sure? I have physical evidence that supports so much of my past and still I ask myself if I'm making it up. It's a shitty coping mechanism if you ask me. I know in the beginning it's the brain's way of trying to forget all the horrible things. But when you are trying to heal and piece together truth and lie, it makes it SO DAMN HARD. It also makes you an abusers' wet dream because if you can't trust yourself, that makes you pretty codependent. 


I was NOT a happy camper after that session. Just when I thought I was making all this progress I realize trauma is reeking like a skunk all over my life. I had a good hard cry and decided tomorrow is another day to try again. I suppose this just means I know about the problem now and I need to start putting some fail safes in place. What that looks like? I'm not totally sure yet. When I figure that out, I'll let you know. Until then, I'm living every day minute to minute as best I can. And when I need to, I check in with myself and those around me that I trust. 

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